Have you ever heard of the art of “meal enquiring”? It is an essential part of social etiquette, especially at traditional weddings. By this, The Man from Madras Musings (MMM) refers to those celebrations where guests sit down for a meal served on a plantain leaf. However, this social grace is missing from many modern wedding events. Take, for instance, the one where hands are adorned with henna. Or the other with a musical name where the goal seems to be deafening everyone with extreme volume, louder percussion, and the loudest singing.
MMM avoids the first, as it is largely a ladies’ event. As for the second, he considers it a recent and unnecessary addition. Beyond the noise, the darkness and strobe lighting can drive anyone with weak eyesight completely mad. Since MMM is somewhat visually afflicted, he strongly dislikes such events. He also has little patience for songs whose lyrics seem limited to “shava”, “mahive”, “balle balle”, and other such “traditional Tamil expressions.”
Obligations and Attendance
Therefore, MMM usually appears only at the actual wedding or the formal evening reception. Not that it makes much difference. As MMM often reflects, the couple will marry whether he attends or not. Unfortunately, his good lady—also known as She Who Must Be Obeyed (SWMBO)—believes wedding invitations are sacred and must be honoured. So, MMM complies. He skips the henna and musical events when possible but makes a token appearance at the rest. Even then, he follows certain standard operating procedures.
MMM’s Wedding SOPs
First, MMM avoids the queue to greet the newlyweds. Instead, he greets the parents and then either heads to the dining area or quietly exits. Experience has taught him that queuing is pointless. At his age, MMM usually knows only the parents, not the couple. Worse, just when it is his turn, the parent introducing guests often disappears. MMM must then introduce himself—an ordeal he finds nerve-wracking.
To make matters worse, he is often unsure whether he is a guest of the bride’s side or the groom’s. His friendships rarely extend to knowing how many children someone has, their names, gender, or preferred pronouns. He offers goodwill to the next generation—but nothing beyond that. SWMBO calls him self-centred. MMM, however, disagrees. He simply lacks curiosity.
The Question of Gifts
MMM follows another rule: he does not carry gifts if the couple is affluent. After all, what is the point of adding yet another Thanjavur painting, tray, or set of bed linen to an already overflowing collection? Cash is out of the question. Flowers seem like a good alternative but here, SWMBO draws the line. She considers flowers a waste.
So, MMM settles on a simple solution. His presence becomes the present (along with SWMBO, of course). As he has often heard, his presence is of the “yessence.”
What Is Meal Enquiring?
This brings MMM back to meal enquiring. As mentioned earlier, it takes place when guests are seated for a meal. Friends and relatives of the host walk between rows of diners. They ask whether guests are comfortable and if they need anything. Most guests simply nod and continue eating.
However, a few bold individuals make requests. They may ask for second helpings—or worse, request that sweets be packed for the journey home. MMM would be terrible at this task. He would never ask anyone if they needed anything. The reason is simple: if they did, he would have no idea where to find it.
A Cousin’s Memorable Attempt
This reminds MMM of a cousin’s first—and probably last—attempt at meal enquiring. The cousin approached the task with confidence. He memorised the menu and decided to ask guests about specific dishes. As he moved around, he asked whether certain items had been served and whether guests wanted more.
To his surprise, everyone claimed the dishes had not been served—and that they would love some. Confused, the cousin went to the kitchen. There, the head cook delivered the truth: he had memorised the breakfast menu, while lunch was currently being served.
A Recent Wedding Experience
Be that as it may, MMM recalls a recent society wedding. He attended with SWMBO. Noticing his restlessness, she suggested he go for lunch. MMM obliged and headed to the dining hall with friends.
However, the crowd at the entrance was overwhelming. He got separated and ended up at a corner table. The space had just been vacated by a group of matrons who appeared to be seasoned wedding attendees. To make matters worse, the woman next to him had a habit of shaking her leg. The entire table vibrated, and the contents of her leaf slowly drifted toward MMM’s. Acting quickly, MMM built a defensive barrier using a water bottle, napkin, and paper cups. The flood was contained.
The Duchess of Meal Enquiring
At that moment, one of the “duchesses” assigned to meal enquiring made her entrance. She sashayed down the aisle, paused near MMM, glanced at him with mild hauteur, and then turned to the lady beside him. With a warm smile, she asked if everything had been served and whether all was well. The lady responded cheerfully—without pausing her relentless table-rattling.The duchess then asked if MMM was the lady’s doctor husband.
This sparked a curious thought in MMM’s mind. Did the lady have husbands in multiple professions—an engineer husband, a lawyer husband, and so on? He imagined them neatly filed away, ready for use when required.
MMM’s Moment
He returned from his reverie to find the lady firmly denying any connection with him a sentiment MMM fully shared. The duchess now turned to MMM and asked about his identity and connections. MMM replied simply: he was the husband of SWMBO. The effect was immediate. The duchess transformed from a Snow Queen into a fairy godmother. She beamed at him. “SWMBO’s husband! Why sir, you are quite the celebrity. I know of you but I do not know what you do.”
MMM responded that he did not know either. Still, he realised that being SWMBO’s husband was more than enough. Her Grace departed after ensuring he was enjoying himself. The rest of the meal passed uneventfully except, of course, for the continuing vibration of the table.
This article appeared in Madras Musings–https://madrasmusings.com/vol-35-no-23/short-n-snappy-240/
My book, Chennai, A Biography can be ordered-https://sriramv.com/2021/12/27/how-to-buy-autographed-copies-of-chennai-a-biography-from-outstation/20.ece
