The Mother-in-law’s tongue: There are sharp among the seats and have nails protruding at all inconceivable spots which usually give your rich raiment a friendly tear. These if deep can also draw blood and bring tears as well. The sounds here are sharp, occasionally accompanied by howls.


The Manic Depressive: This variety comprises the long suffering ones, which have borne the burden of many heavy posteriors. These settle with groans and moans even as you settle into them. A drop of oil would ease their problems but MMM supposes that your average Sabha secretary has much more to moan and groan about than mere seats.


Jaws: These resent your sitting on them and are waiting for an opportunity for you to rise, whereupon the seat and the backrest snap together like the jaws of a crocodile, often catching a part of your posterior with them. Then you add to the sounds.


The Dear Departed: This seat treats you like the Great Maker and as soon you arrive and descend on it, it gives up the ghost, sinking into the ground with accompanying sounds. Your weight may have something to do with it, but lack of regular maintenance could also be a reason and if so, please see what is written under Manic Depressive about the duties of the Sabha Secretary.


Poseidon Adventure: This one lurches from side to side as you shift in it, with accompanying noises. If you suffer from sea sickness, this may not be for you and your best option is to grip the handles (if available) and mutter prayers all the while. After all, Carnatic Music is religious as well.


The Love Seat: This one has a loose cushion usually made of rexine. It sticks closer to you than a brother and when you leave, it leaves with you and only strong muscular force can separate you from it. Often there are cries of anguish. But just think of Romeo and Juliet.


The Hyena: The most harmless of the lot. But when you sink in it will let loose a hyena like laugh owing to the hinges having starved of oil for so many years. The secret is to simply jump in and not take your time.


The Throne: Usually found in the older Sabhas, this seat is so big that you have second thoughts about having left your car in the street outside. You also begin to feel lonely after some time, especially if the lights are dim and the concert is thinly attended. But watch out, these seats are rich in bed bugs.


The One Seat Orchestra: This is usually found in Sabhas that operate out of schools, marriage halls and other such totally unsuitable venues. These specialise in metal chairs which can be dragged about and when that happens a plethora of noises emanate. You can hear bugles, drums and at times even the concertina, all badly played. But nobody appears to mind, least of all the musicians who accept performances at such venues.