What is wrong with the AC remote?

From a time when switching on an AC meant pressing down a power switch, we have moved to remotes. They have however not made life any simpler for they are almost Masonic in their symbols. The Man from Madras Musings muses…

The weather is the absolute pits. As Perhaps Greatest Writer once said, the city is divided into two groups – the first which says it does not mind the heat as much as the humidity and the other which says just the reverse. The Man from Madras Musings prefers to belong to a third group that minds both – the heat and the humidity. What amazes MMM is that the temperatures have not been soaring as much as they ought to, but it still feels like living in a furnace. MMM is informed that this is due to what is called the wind chill factor wherein the temperature may be something but it feels like something much worse altogether. Though why this phenomenon should be called wind chill MMM has no idea. Wind roast or wind bake or wind broil may have been more appropriate. 

It is in weather like this, and mind you, Chennai has weather like this for much of the year, that thoughts automatically turn towards air conditioning. Oh for a blast of cold air is the general cry. MMM is of course aware that just around thirty years ago, hardly anyone used air conditioners in this city of ours. It was meant for the uber rich. But since then there has been democratisation in several ways and now the AC is pretty much ubiquitous. MMM can claim to have lived through the times when there was no AC except in cinema theatres and top industrialists’ offices to a time when it is available in cars and even buses. 

In the old days, ACs were made of sturdier fibre. When you needed to cool yourself you operated a lever of sorts to switch on the main power, waited for the stabiliser to kick in and then turned on a rotary switch of some kind. There would be a grinding noise and that meant the AC was working. Soon you were flooded with gushes of cold air and you revived. There were, of course, days when the AC threw out black smoke and you called a mechanic who came, opened the innards of the machine and there you saw all the dirt accumulated from your house or office. Squirrels or rats sometimes made themselves comfortable inside and when they passed on to the great beyond, you were immediately alerted by the smells that wafted.

Compare that with today’s AC. All sleek and the innards hidden away discretely somewhere near the rooftop which only the service personnel can access. Today’s ACs don’t grind and groan and are probably a lot more efficient than those battle tanks of old but their remote controls are something else altogether. MMM is not sure how you handle them, but he is ­pretty much flummoxed. Firstly, reading those buttons is a task by itself, especially when you need to adjust the settings after you have switched off the lights and are in bed. Secondly, there are no texts but only symbols and this is where the confusion sets in. How can you distinguish between one snowflake and another and decide which one is larger? And then there are drops – one drop, two drops and sometimes three. What do these stand for? Third – what is the silhouette of a muscular torso supposed to mean? MMM is told that pressing this activates what is known as power chill but he has found that in this heat it only means that power consumption is a lot more for some marginal increase in coolness.

There are other mystic symbols and words – mode is one that MMM never will ever master. He has found that tampering with it usually makes the room feel like a sauna. And then there is ‘sleep’ – in what way this is supposed make the AC function is something MMM is yet to fathom. 

He has therefore come to the conclusion that the AC remote is good for just switching on and switching off the AC. The rest of the settings are best left the way the person who installed the AC set them. It is best not be to a fool and rush in where even angels fear to tread, especially during summer. Which is how the old power switch actually worked, did it not?