The Holy Cow

These are very bovine times. The country is divided into two – those who rejoice in the cow and the other half that rejoices in what is within it and by that the Man from Madras Musings does not mean milk. The party of the first part is threatening to carve up the party of the second part as they say in legalese, rather in the manner in which party of the second part was all along carving up the cow. It is in the light of all this no doubt that a company decided to put out appropriate messages on the sachets of cows’ milk that it sells.

MMM is featuring the picture alongside for your reference and reading joy. It is also to prove that he is not making up much of this column, a calumny that he has had to suffer much from frequently. But since the photo alongside may not be very readable, MMM is also giving below the relevant extracts from it, together with his interpretation on what each line is meant to signify.

The first and most important statement is what you see clearly – Indian Cow Breeds Milk. That in effect means cows and bulls are saintly creatures who only breed through immaculate conception when it comes to progeny. For the rest of the time, whenever they get excited, they breed milk. Now for the lines up top, on what could signify as the masthead of the sachet. Reading l to r, the first line states ‘No injection use conceive, Natural only.’ This once again establishes the purity of the cow. It does not obviously receive any injections from bull of any kind. It conceives, but naturally, when it feels like it, or when ordained by God. Line 2 states ‘No injection use before Collect Milk’. Taken in conjunction with the main statement that Indian cow breeds milk it is quite obvious that just like Indian people, the cow too breeds rather freely, without the help of any injections, only it breeds milk. For progeny it looks to nature. Talking about humans, MMM is aware that Indians are rather prone these days to taking injections to breed. But that is largely because they have become slaves to degrading western habits. In the good old days, when toilets were all out in the open and the Gods designed the first aircrafts, we Indians could breed without such artificial aids. Let us therefore learn from the cow.

Line 3, which is Daytime go outside for Nature Food is to be taken together with Line 4, which is Night time inside Shelter. This is no immoral or depraved cow. In keeping with its purity of thought and action, it sets out each morning in broad daylight and not for any hanky panky at that but only for Nature Food, which considering their abundance in our city, MMM assumes refers to plastic covers and poster papers. By evensong, holy cow is back at home. It does not tarry at the local Tasmac bar or wonder if it can pick up a bull and be off to the local discotheque. In short, its private life is above board, as an Indian cow’s ought to be.

It is therefore no wonder that such a wonder cow can claim to be ‘rich in medicinal properties’. It must be so repressed that it must be requiring a tonne of anti-depressants to keep it standing. MMM will ignore the last line that states the saintly cow in question is from Q1 Organic Form, whatever that means. But he is quite clear that is the kind of cow that will win votes, and also foment riots.